I am a big time "people pleaser" - anyone else?
This behavior was adaptable as a young child - I "shape-shifted" myself in order to feel safe and receive love. I was friggin' good at it and still am - I can feel people's energy, pick up on the subtlest social cues, and sense what is happening beneath the surface. It is a gift and a curse - a gift in that I am intuitive and can quickly connect with others-especially if we are taking about them (no wander I chose to be a therapist😃)
It is a curse in that I have had lots of challenges in creating close realtionships with others and have had many moments of feeling lonely in my life.
If you are a people pleaser like me, you can probably pick up on what people want from you...I know for me I can feel it, sense it, and I usually bend over backwards to give it. The upside to this is that people like you because you don't create a lot of waves. The downside is that resentment can build up - and even if you don't say anything people can sense it from you.
Over the years I have known that I need to set better boundaries in terms of saying "no", asking for what I need, and sharing my opinions. But it was scary because I didn't like conflict - I was fearful of being judged, rejected or not liked. The adult inside of me knew this was ridiculous-not everyone is going to like you-but the little girl inside who desperately wanted to be loved was running the show. So, when conflict would arise in relationships I would do anything to make it go away. I would either shut down (avoidance) or "own everything as my fault" - even if I didn't agree - so that there could be peace again.
I squashed my voice, made myself a victim, and often felt depleted in relationships. I didn't know how to be vulnerable and share my authentic self.
So, how did I change this.
✫Acknowledged the PATTERN I had in relating
✫Took small, consistent steps to change the pattern - saying "no" even when it was scary
✫I dropped into compassion for myself when I went back into my old patterns
✫Created space to listen to my inner voice
✫Let the "Adult" Self take the lead while still acknowledging the "little girl" inside
It is still a work in progress...but if change is possible for me, it is possible for you too. My hope is that by reading this you will be INSPIRED to look at your own patterns in relating and take a step in the direction of ACCEPTING ALL OF WHO YOU ARE AND SHARING MORE OF YOUR BEAUTIFUL #BADASS SELF WITH OTHERS....because
You deserve AUTHENTIC CONNECTION....
And I do too....So, here is my pledge toward that end....
I am committed to:
✫Knowing and honoring my boundaries
✫Not shutting down when conflict arises (staying "in the game")
✫Feeling that relationships are safe (and not something to be feared)
✫Staying consistent in self care practices that make me feel good
HOW ABOUT YOU....drop a comment if you feel inspired! I'd love to hear your journey.
Need Support? Reach out!